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How to Build Confidence
Let’s jump straight in—the reason you’re reading this, the reason you searched up info about confidence, and the reason you think you’re not confident is because of…
Your mind.
Let’s expand on this.
When it comes to the question of how to build confidence, there are three pillars:
The Pillars of Confidence
I provide tools in each pillar to give you hands-on, actionable steps to cultivate these things.
No hacks, no fake confidence, no surface-level bullshit.
It saddens me to see that most advice about confidence is recycled fluff: “stand tall,” “fake it till you make it,” or “say affirmations in the mirror.” Changes that wear off after a few days.
What we will do is build genuine, deep, internal confidence.
You see how it works? Instead of the standard protocol of:
Do/say/wear/act —> become
Do the affirmations, fake it, wear nice clothes, and you’ll somehow start believing in yourself…
We'll do the opposite.
First, we’ll become. Then, naturally and without effort, we’ll want to affirm ourselves positively, treat ourselves better, and maybe even stand a bit taller.
The symptoms in the below graphic fade away naturally, because we’re addressing the root of the problem.
Research suggests most young people have low self-esteem. Let’s start changing that.
Before we get into the material, you may be asking: why listen to this guy?
You’re right to question that. I could be the poster child for this stuff…
In a nutshell, I was the lowest self-esteem, low-confidence, self-conscious, approval-seeking guy on the planet some years ago.
Through the tools I’m about to give you, I was able to heal and develop genuine confidence.
Not the arrogant, ego-inflated kind, but the calm, grounded version of someone who has a deep belief in themselves.
Pillar #1: Self-Assuredness and Approval
We can agree that the needy, desperate, and approval-seeking person is not confident.
They don’t feel confident internally, nor do they project confidence externally.
If you have a deep belief that you are not enough or not acceptable just as you are, you will forever project that lack of confidence.
So…
What is Self-Assuredness?
What does “self-assured” mean? Exactly that, one who is assured of themselves and finds their validation internally.
They don’t need constant reassurance. That they aren’t bad people, that they’re doing what they should, and that they’re living life right.
Self-assured people have a profound belief in themselves, accept their flaws, and don’t seek approval.
The iconic 1000% confidence walk from Training Day
Some people, due to mostly healthy childhoods and great parenting, grow up with these attributes.
We’ve all met these people, who seem unshaken in their belief that they can achieve whatever they want.
Most of us, myself included, encounter some damaging along the way.
Luckily for us, we too can learn confidence, self-belief, and become 100% self-assured.
Becoming self-assured builds resilience and prevents emotional dependence.
No longer are we dependent on our partners for assurance, our friends to accompany us everywhere we go, and social media to validate us.
Now, to the best part, the actionable tools.
Why? Because true change is earned through action. It’s paramount to shift our mindsets, but those shifts will only last once we apply the theory outside, in the world.
Actionable Tools
Start with this exercise I used in therapy. It’s simple but incredibly effective at breaking negative core-beliefs and developing positive ones. This is the exact PDF I used to begin healing my low self-esteem.
Listen to this (video below), ideally daily. It will serve as a focal point for our required mindset shift in dropping our need for validation.
Writing exercise: What does the most confident version of you look like? How do you act, treat others, think, talk?
Detach from outcome—we must drop our outcome-oriented thinking and replace it with action-orientation. Action creates confidence, regardless of whether we achieved the desired outcome.
By mastering these exercises, you begin to break the cycle of external validation and develop unshakable self-assuredness.
Pillar #2: Self-Respect
I can see whether someone respects themselves within a matter of minutes of meeting them.
Whether we realize it or not, our respect for ourselves is communicated outwardly in how we move through the world.
Deep self-respect cultivates calm, confidence, and assuredness. Lack of self-respect creates shame, fear, and a lack of trust in ourselves.
Self-respect lays the foundation for others to respect you. The shameful, fearful person ain’t garnering much respect.
But the calm, assured one seems to command it effortlessly.
So, how do we build self-respect?
Actionable Tools
Facing fears. We must begin to leave our comfort zones, act in spite of the immense anxiety, and prove to ourselves that we can handle life’s challenges.
Win the small, hidden battles. Keeping commitments we made with ourselves, despite no one knowing whether we kept or broke them. This might mean waking up at a certain time, hitting the gym, or putting in an hour of studying.
Leaning into challenge—the gym, cold plunges, talking to strangers, putting ourselves out there, martial arts, solo travel—each small win builds resilience and a deep self-respect.
Vulnerability. They say the greatest measure of boldness is whether you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable—with friends, in relationships, with yourself.
With these tools, you’re well on your way to building a deep respect for yourself, and with it, a grounded confidence.
Pillar #3: Self-Compassion
Some men may see that heading and think “ah shit, here we go again with the touchy-feely stuff.”
They’d be mistaken to do so.
There is no softness to the concept—the question is simple: do you even like yourself?
Now, do you love yourself?
Answering this question requires reflection. If you were to randomly ask someone these questions, they’d likely be caught off-guard and need a moment to ponder.
A quick search of “self-compassion” is telling, with “feminine” branding on most content. As men, we must be comfortable enough with ourselves to wade in.
Research shows self-compassion is directly correlated to self-esteem, so if for no other reason, do it so you can become confident.
You know the saying “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”?
Why is that true? Because every single thing we do is a projection of our internal state.
Knowing this arms us with the fact that everything others do is just them projecting; it’s not personal.
But also, we now can observe how we treat others, how we love, how we are in the world.
Actionable Tools
Master your inner dialogue. Begin observing the ways your internal voice talks. Does it berate, call you names, shame you? After observing, begin to correct it from negative self-talk to more balance, calm, forgiving self-talk.
Develop a relationship with yourself through journaling. We have a guide to help you get started, and a free eBook for your in-depth practice. Journaling allows you to get to know yourself, find self-forgiveness, and reflect on accomplishments.
Give yourself permission. This works in two ways—it could mean allowing yourself rest or a night of movies and great food. It could also mean discipline, executing habits, and growing.
Now, with the deep belief that you like, and even love, yourself, you’re building genuine belief in yourself. This translates into taking more risks, pursuing your dreams, and giving yourself grace in the face of mistakes and failure.
Grab the eBook to start your practice
Building Confidence Takes Time
Like a new fitness program, you must give yourself time to adapt to the changes.
You are reinventing yourself and choosing to live in a new reality, created by your new ways of thinking.
These mindset shifts take time—one set of affirmations will not do anything.
Consistency in journaling, reflecting, and practicing self-assuredness in the real world is required to sustain these changes.
You’ll slip up. Old beliefs will resurface to sabotage your growth.
The key is to reinforce the new, healthy habits day in and day out.
So, still asking how to build confidence? Start now, use the tools, commit, and watch your life transform.
Have a transformation story? I want to hear it—get in touch on Instagram.
To your growth,
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