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The Ultimate Guide to Modern Masculinity: How to Be a Man in the 21st Century
CT Dool
February 14, 2025 • Read Time: 20 minutes
I was a boy until age 26. You read that right… Twenty fucking six…
If that’s sad, it is even more depressing that 26 is probably younger than the average age at which most men become… men.
Not just physically grown-ass men… but men.
That is, ditching his boy psychology, mindset, and behaviors in favor of those of a healthy, mature man.
This is the critical distinction—physically, sure, you can be a fully grown man. But psychology determines whether you’re still a child or not.
The brutal truth is this: becoming a man isn’t a cozy evolution—it’s a ruthless dismantling of every childish crutch you’ve clung to.
Roadmap: Becoming A Man
This isn’t about polishing a pre-existing image; it’s about ripping down the old, comfortable facade of boyhood and rebuilding your mind from scratch.
Yes, the struggle is agonizing. It means facing every failure, every doubt, every scar head-on.
But know this: transformation is the most rewarding battle you’ll ever fight.
This is precisely the crux of manhood.
It’s difficult, it can be scary, you’ve gotta face things… but living in the world of men is so damn rewarding, vitalizing, and downright enjoyable.
Let’s get into how exactly to undergo this process. I’ll use my story as a structure to provide you with the exact pillars to build a new life.
Each pillar comes with actionable protocols: steps you can take right now, rather than some vague, unhelpful fluff.
Disclaimer
Plenty of “modern masculinity” channels talk about bullshit… fashion tips, “how to get chicks,” or flaunting wealth/cars/etc. as a means to be a macho man.
This couldn’t be further from that. What we’re doing is diving deep, to truly become the man we need to be.
No games, no tricks, no insecure bullshit.
Let’s get into it.
What Does It Mean to Be a Man? Manhood Defined
Trick question. As Jason Wilson beautifully puts it:
“You can’t define a man. As soon as you apply a definition, you’ve boxed him in”
There is no one-sentence definition that encapsulates the entirety of masculinity.
A man is many things. Let’s outline some of those things:
The traditional facets:
Protector
Provider
Brings structure and order
Builder
Leader
Has purpose
Mentor
Strong, assertive, and bold
Warrior
Lover
Father
Has the capacity to be aggressive and violent to defend himself and those weaker.
These are all true. A man is these things. And we should be all of these things, unapologetically.
But a man is much more. A powerful man is also…
The additional facets:
Nurturer
Comfortable with himself and his emotions
Self-aware and introspective
Compassionate
Mentee and can be a follower when needed
Expresses and regulates his emotions healthily
Secure in his manhood, flaws, and mistakes
Can be the “lion and the lamb” depending on what’s required of him.
These two, when combined, form the mature masculine. The healthy, secure masculine man.
So, how do we get there?
How to Be a Man: Pillars of Transitioning From Boyhood to Modern Masculinity
I wasn’t raised to be a “man’s man.” Like so many modern men, I didn’t have a positive father-son relationship.
Sadly, only 40% of American men do.
That said, if you’re in the opposing 60%, you’re not alone.
Countless studies confirm—the father shapes the boy in profound, unconscious ways that will impact his entire life. Unless he takes matters into his own hands.
The pillars below do just that.
1. Stepping Out of Your Father’s Shadow
Think about your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father.
What thoughts and feelings surface?
If you’re like me, deep feelings of rage, hate, resentment, confusion, and abandonment might come up. This is normal.
Your first step to becoming a man is processing all of these feelings towards your father. Then we’ll begin to father ourselves.
Processing the Powerful Emotions Toward Dad
Holding onto these feelings of rage and resentment comes at a price.
That price? We never become our own man.
You see, what we hold onto controls us, whether we are consciously aware of this or not.
Powerful feelings towards our fathers will dictate our lives, whether that shows up as us:
unconsciously seeking his approval (e.g., going to medical school after seeing Dad work as a doctor)
or over-compensatory counter moves (e.g., becoming a free-spirited, jobless hippie after seeing Dad as a clean-cut corporate worker).
The protocols at the end of this section give you a plan to begin this process of freeing yourself from the fatherly shadow.
Fathering Ourselves
If this concept sounds weird, worry not. I thought it sounded a bit strange at first too.
The idea is to give ourselves what we so deeply wanted and needed from our fathers but never got.
Here’s the truth… your father couldn’t give you these things because he never got them from his father. How the hell is he supposed to give you something he never had?
Let’s say you wish your father taught you how to fight, how to court a woman, how to manage your finances, or how to be a man.
We have to let go of the desire to learn these things from him and the resentment that we never did. Then, we’ll take matters into our own hands.
Protocols
Carve out a time and a quiet, private space to do this work. Get out your journal. We’re getting into the real shit now, the real actions to become the man you need to be.
Journal in hand, take a moment to just reflect on what feelings surface when you think about your father, your relationship with him, and your childhood.
Sit with these feelings for a moment, then write down what you’re feeling.Begin the process of releasing these emotions. If it’s rage, go nuts and beat the shit out of a pillow. If it’s sadness, cry your fucking eyes out.
Do what you need to do to release. This is just the beginning—these emotions are old, deep, and powerful. It will take many of these sessions to fully release them.Make a list of all of the things you wish your father taught you.
“Damn, Dad never taught me how to defend myself.” Write it down. This list will serve as the base of what you’re going to teach yourself.Now, write down what you know about your father’s upbringing and relationship with his father. If you don’t know, explore some different possibilities.
The final, and hardest part, will be to begin forgiving him.
Important—forgiveness is NOT condoning his behavior—it’s simply letting go so that it no longer controls you.
Now, commit to taking accountability to father yourself. If you wanted to learn how to fight, commit to joining a martial arts gym. If you wanted to learn how to be adventurous, book your first solo trip.
To dive deeper, check out my article: How to Integrate the Father Complex.
2. Breaking the Chains of Fear, Facing EVERYTHING
For children, the world is a frightening, threatening place. We humans require constant protection and attention from those around us as we grow.
We’re socialized to play it safe, avoid risk, and run away from what scares us.
Part of becoming a man is confronting the harsh realities of the world—the fears, the risks, the action.
This involves the external—the world, life’s challenges, women, our careers, traveling—as well as the internal—our emotions, our fears, our desires.
Part of my transition was an all-out fucking assault on my fearful, old self.
Learning to ride a motorbike, part of my fear-facing journey
Facing 30 Fears in 30 Days documents this journey in greater detail, but in a nutshell…
I faced everything.
I confronted my past, my traumas, and my fears.
If something scared me, I did it. Maybe it was simply saying hello to a stranger. Maybe it was learning to fight. Maybe it was a dance class.
Or maybe it was deeper… going to therapy, journaling to develop a relationship with myself, or choosing to never engage in negative self-talk again.
This was one of the harder, but most rewarding parts of my transition from boy to man.
Freeing oneself from the vices of fear and one’s past is of critical importance. And it’s fucking empowering.
Moving about the world with the deep confidence and self-belief one develops, you are now beginning to embody the raw, masculine power.
Protocols:
Commit to facing your “shit”—your past, fears, and trauma. This might look like going to therapy, journaling on your past, or simply beginning to acknowledge your pain.
Write down three fears you will face—talking to a pretty woman, joining a boxing gym, learning to ride a motorcycle. These are examples from my journey, but experiment with your interests.
Commit to facing a “small fear” every day.
This might be saying hello to passing strangers on the street or speaking up when your order is wrong at a restaurant… anything that causes you to push through resistance and get outside of your comfort zone.
These small wins accumulate over time and build a powerful sense of confidence.
3. Developing An Edge
Let’s face it… what many men are searching for is an “edge.” They feel they’re not “real men”, they’re “too soft”, they’re “nice guys.”
And this may be true.
We’ve got to be careful with this topic, as we risk entering the realm of the new-age douchey masculinity stuff… but the edge is real, my friends.
ManTalks posted this as part of their “man’s guide to being naturally attractive”:
The “edge” is a bit intangible.
It’s an energy, a demeanor, how you move. And people, men and women alike, unconsciously pick up on this in seconds.
We all know what the edge is, despite its elusive definition. It’s a mix of ruggedness, boldness, and being untamable—rather than docile, passive, and fearful.
What does this look like in everyday life?
An edge means choosing bold decisions over comfortable complacency: speaking up in meetings, saying no when you need to, and pushing through challenges with relentless determination.
It’s about cultivating a presence that commands respect and shows you’re not here to blend in, but to lead and make an impact.
And I can assure you, as you sharpen your edge, you WILL have more people noticing.
When men sense this, they feel a sense of respect. They know not to cross boundaries.
When women sense this, they feel a sense of attraction, of magnetism. They know they’re encountering someone with self-respect, confidence, and freedom.
At Grow Dangerously, we don’t preach “pick up more chicks” or focus on women. We simply focus on ourselves and level up, and everything else falls into place.
So, how do we develop the edge?
Protocols
If you struggle with passivity, setting boundaries, or feeling “too soft,” required reading is No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read the book and do every exercise. I guarantee this will get you started in developing your edge.
Start setting healthy boundaries. Start by observing your (lack of) boundaries.
When do you say yes when really you want to say no? When do you “go with the flow” but harbor resentment after?
When do you apologize despite not having done anything wrong? Do you let people “walk all over you'“?Try out a hobby that requires confrontation with your edge. Maybe it’s boxing. Maybe it’s rock climbing. Something that pushes you past your edge, and thereby sharpens it.
As David Deida says, “a man must find his edge, and live just past it.”Do hard things—one of the reasons many men feel they’re too “soft” is… they live soft lives full of ease and convenience.
We will intentionally incorporate challenge and suffering into our daily lives.
Cold showers, hard workouts, opening up in therapy, having tough conversations, and waking up early are all great ways to do this.
4. Leaving the Mother’s Warmth and Going On Our Journey
“Most grown men are still living in the nursery. What is the nursery? The easy life.
Vaping in their mother’s basement, drinking, playing video games, and generally avoiding any hardship, challenge, or responsibility” — Robert Glover
Modern society is absent of the rites of passage that guided boys into manhood for all of human history.
Because we no longer have guidance, we cannot transition from the safety and warmth of the mother’s realm into that of the father—harsh, challenging, unforgiving.
As James Hollis notes, “A man must depart from security if he is to become himself.”
When I was 26, just beginning my (late) transition into manhood, I left my hometown and country.
I spent six months traveling alone through South America.
I wasn’t aware at the time, but this served as my rite of passage.
The journey was just as much psychological as it was a physical departure from safety and the familiar.
A year and a half after returning from my journey, I left again. As I write this, I’m on a similar, longer journey.
I’m not saying every man must do what I did.
But man MUST depart from the safety and security of his environment, both physically AND psychologically, to become his own man.
We need a profound process that rips us from the mother’s side and launches us into the world of man—confronting ourselves and life’s challenges.
“Its warmth, protection, and nourishment create an enormous gravitational pull. To remain by the hearth is to remain a child, literally and figuratively, and to foreswear one’s potential as an adult”
“The man must pull out of his reflexive behaviors and attitudes, radically reexamine his life, and risk living out the thunderous imperatives of his soul”
— James Hollis, Under Saturn’s Shadow
Protocols
Required reading: Under Saturn’s Shadow. Read this book, and your understanding of men’s struggles and ways to heal will be more nuanced than 90% of people.
What will your departure from safety and the mother’s realm look like? What will your adventure be?
Plan your departure—if you don’t have the means to leave your home or country, how can you still undergo a psychological departure? Get educated on the concept of rites of passage for men.Healthy male bonds. Part of leaving the safety of the nurturing mother (and women) is developing healthy bonds with men.
Many “nice guys” decide that bonding with women is safer, and can connect more easily with them. We must depart from this, and build connection and community with men.
Men’s groups, mentors, martial arts gyms, sports teams, and male friendships of depth (i.e., not based on drinking) are great outlets.Positive male role models. Identify ways to develop relationships with older men you respect.
Find a mentor—not just in the realm of ‘being a man’, but whatever you want to improve at—business, fitness, your relationship.
Who in your life could serve you in this way? Where else can you go to meet like-minded men?
5. Optimizing Your Physical and Mental Game
Our body and mind underpin our transition into being a man.
Put simply: if you’re destroying your hormone and brain health (testosterone, dopamine, serotonin, etc.) with unhealthy habits, you will diminish your masculinity.
Part of my transition at age 26 was to drop unhealthy habits and optimize my health.
This involved quitting drinking and smoking. I ended a lifelong addiction to porn. I corrected my poor sleep habits—all while learning better health protocols and habits.
Most are familiar with the Huberman Lab podcast. It helped me a lot as I previously knew fuck-all about circadian rhythm, sunlight’s benefits, and men’s hormone health.
I optimized my training regimen and cut the shit from my diet. I added supplements and got more disciplined in my sleep schedule.
And I saw my testosterone soar, along with optimizing countless other hormones and neurochemicals in the process.
Trust me, as a former addict who destroyed his nervous system, dopamine function, and health—I’ve seen the difference this has on your mood, energy, sex drive, and motivation.
It’s simply easier to live in the world as a man with your physical and mental game on point.
Protocols
Get educated on health.
A man should understand what impacts his health and how—there are endless resources for free that you can start listening to or reading right now. Stick to credible, study-backed sources.
We should all be looking to have healthy, optimized testosterone and dopamine.Identify your current habits that are interfering with your brain, body, and hormone health. Make a plan to eliminate them. Maybe it’s cutting alcohol, porn, weed, social media, or poor sleep habits.
Identify areas where you can improve your health—more frequent workouts, more recovery, more consistent sleep schedule, more social connection. Incorporate these into your daily life.
Optional: Want to see the change in terms of numbers? Get blood testing done before and after you incorporate changes. Plus, paying for the initial test adds accountability to take action on the habits to change.
You will see, on paper, how the new habits (and ditching the old) are changing you. You’ll also feel it—your energy, clarity, and drive will skyrocket.
The Tenets of Modern Masculinity
At the end of the day, you must form your vision of the man you want to be.
Utilize men you respect, healthy male role models, and mentors to shape your vision.
You likely have an image of the powerful man you’re capable of becoming. Using the pillars above, you’re well on your way to becoming him.
To close, I leave you with a list of principles I’ve learned along the way.
Take them or leave them, and apply what resonates.
The Grow Dangerously Tenets of Man
Man must commit to a lifetime of growth—acknowledging his flaws and that perfection is not the goal, only improvement.
Man must define his values—the top five values that inform his decisions and guide his life.
Man must create order, structure, leadership, and discipline in himself and his surroundings.
Man must accept himself, admit his fears and insecurities, and face his past—becoming fully comfortable with himself and his masculinity.
Man must face his fears and do things like scare and challenge him, getting out of (and expanding) his comfort zone at any opportunity.
Man must depart from security if he is to become himself (his adventure, his journey, leaving the “mother’s realm”).
Man must assert healthy boundaries, develop self-respect, and practice assertiveness with compassion.
Man must develop both “sides” of his masculinity—the strong, assertive, bold—and the caring, nurturing, empathetic. He must be capable of being the lion and the lamb.
Man must be comfortable in solitude (with himself, reflecting, journaling, walking, etc.) and in the presence of other men (men’s groups, friends, mentors, sparring partners, etc.).
Man must be unapologetically himself. He is unashamedly a man, powerful, and free.
Tap in on Instagram and let me know how your journey goes. Subscribe for more guides like this, plus the hardest-hitting insights on travel, breaking free, and leveling up.
To your journey,
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