Motorcycle Diaries, Canada: The Knife of Growth

“Wise men cannot be moved by praise or blame; they cannot be changed by profit or loss; they cannot be honored or humiliated.”

-Lao Tzu

Welcome back to the Motorcycle Diaries series. This series is a deeper, more introspective and vulnerable collection of writings that merge travel with growth, often including direct excerpts from my journal.

Talking To Myself: Journal 6/22/24

The knife of growth is cutting me to pieces right now. I'm right where I was exactly two years ago, hurting badly, and confused as to why it's happening.

Things going wrong in seemingly every area of life.

But this time, I've got experience on my side. I can trust that I'll be good once again, and that I'll be better. It's a necessary shedding process.

Reframe loneliness to solitude. Like Big Bend, like Bariloche.

[For context, I wrote this in Vancouver, a city notorious for its difficulty in breaking into the social scene, and I refer to two ‘walkabouts’ of intentional solitude I’d previously taken in Big Bend, Texas and Bariloche, Argentina].

I remind myself: know deeply that life will be better in the near future.

You're learning the difficult lessons—the ones you specifically requested.

That electric charge that goes through your stomach when fear strikes? It's there to protect you. But you can override it.

Condition yourself to act when it's upon you, rather than back down.

This fear is ancient, wired deep from childhood. That’s how it felt to be neglected, to be sent away from everything familiar. Remember how you coped then. How are you coping now?

Ask yourself: Who is running the show? The boy who sought pacifiers and vices to escape, or the man who now faces reality?

How can I benefit from this time?

Fuck, Vancouver, I thought you'd be more welcoming. The circumstances are not ideal, but we don't grow when things are ideal.

How can I use this time to grow?

• Reaffirming my ability and comfort to be alone, depend on me, and not escape

• Feel the shitty feelings without escaping

• Drop fears of rejection, abandonment, failure, and loneliness

• Emerge as the man I’m becoming—the future father, partner, and leader

• Get outside of my comfort zone, put myself out there repeatedly, continue to bounce back after countless L’s

A man capable of those things, those attributes only attained through deeply painful experiences, is a man that is unstoppable. What can you do someone who doesn't fear loneliness, failure, abandonment, judgement, or rejection?

In 2022, I faced an all-out assault from my own mind—withdrawal and recovery [from pornography, drugs, alcohol, sex, pretty much everything… *series on addiction coming soon*] were hell.

But I came out stronger, learning to challenge false thoughts and rewire my mental patterns. It was brutal, but it made me resilient, nearly ‘bulletproofing’ my mind, seemingly.

Now, this new wave of hurt feels similar: anxiety in doses not experienced in years, fear surging through my stomach, and occasional dips into depression.

It’s familiar, but this time I’m equipped with better tools.

It's all the same. Feelings don't kill you. You're not your thoughts; you're not your past.

The Lesson

I fell down, I got back up. I got rejected, I sat with it without escaping for the first time in my life. I felt lonely, I sat with it. I made a mistake, I'm correcting it.

I'm not perfect, never will be. I can only strive to be better than I was yesterday.

But looking at what happened after a similarly tumultuous time in 2022—all of that fear facing and healing and introspection made me something serious. I came back with positive self-beliefs, newfound skills and confidence, and an edge.

The struggle sharpens the edge. I feel like a knife is in my fucking stomach. But it's carving the edge. It sharpens us into something powerful.

Masculine, but not macho, because macho is grounded in insecurity, whereas the knife of growth has cut us open to expose our insecurities and allowed us to shape them how we want, whether we accept them or change them.

It gives us a powerful sense of gratitude, empathy, and compassion. We're better able to give to people, because we're now full. We can nurture others. We’re savages, we’re violent—but we choose to love and support instead.

If I were back home right now on a normal Wednesday afternoon, perhaps going to meet up with a friend, I’d be feeling good. Yet, I wouldn't be here reflecting, seeking answers, asking the hard questions, revisiting my previous journey.

Allow oneself to go on a journey.

I don't know what life is going to bring, but the lesson is—shit gets hard for a reason, the suffering sharpens the edge, and right when you feel like you can’t take it anymore is when a breakthrough is just around the corner.

Thanks for reading,

CT

BC, Canada | June 2024