I'm Fake as F*ck

Recent feedback on the newsletter has been along the lines of:

• You’re adventurous

• You’re leveling up

• You’re so inspiring…

But it’s cap. 🧢

The day after I send a post talking about f*ck the bullshit, I’m charging up (i.e., facing stuff instead of unhealthily coping)…

I have a breakup with a woman (the one from Motorcycle Diaries, Colombia)… yeeeah movie didn’t play out…

Instead of practicing what I preach—sitting with it, journaling, learning from it, growing…

I hit the streets to find the thickest prostitute I can… Yessir.

[The woman, by the way, is subscribed to this newsletter, let’s hope this one goes to spam…]

Every single time I had a breakup in my life—straight to the internet for some virtual lovin’. Every single one.

If this woman doesn’t want me, all of these will…

The first 900 times were unconscious, making zero connection between the two things.

That’s weird, I feel awfully aroused in the days following this breakup…

I’ve banned myself from screen-seggs and virtual assplay, so I found the next best thing. 20 minutes of… amor (digamos).

We’re just getting started…

Let’s go deeper:

• “Manly” tings… like tattoos, learning to fight, and making sex with lots of women, to name a few… for me, were all done out of fear. The boy in me seeking safety. I want tats—maybe if I look dangerous, you won’t hurt me.
  

• My hyper-independence (solo traveling for 9 straight months now, after a 6-month run before) is driven by… fears: of smothering, intimacy and closeness, and being hurt. I’ve sabotaged every opportunity to engage in a stable, loving relationship as a result.
  

• My contempt towards “pussies that don’t do shit” (complain, stay at jobs they hate, run away, don’t take action) is actually due to… not yet fully forgiving my former self for being exactly that.
  

• I post on social media to jump up and down and scream for some attention when I’m lonely or bored. If that one cute girl likes my story that makes me “good enough” for a fleeting moment.
  

• I travel not to move towards things—exploration and adventure—but to run away. (From what? Worry not, I explain in detail in a coming newsletter…)
  

• I never dropped addiction—I simply replaced less acceptable ones (cigarettes, cocaine, alcohol, weed) with more acceptable ones (travel, caffeine, sex). Ones people celebrate. “Dude! You’re traveling the world, working from cafes and meeting tons of people!”
  

• I tell people they should face their shit and sit in the ‘dungeon’, yet I’m outside chasing pussy whether in the form of scheduling 30 dates or just popping out to the red light section…

Beliee dat…

Let’s go even deeper.

I haven’t dealt with the grief of loss. Losing countless family members whether due to death or (more often) distance. Countless friends. Countless could’ve been great relationships…

“Fear of women, controlling women, or constantly needing to be in the arms of a new woman… all signs the mother complex still governs.”

As I found myself seeking women’s approval the other day, I thought…

Ahhh yep, that ole mother complex bullshit is in full control of my ass 🙋‍♂️

Perhaps I’m not the steel I’ve portrayed myself to be—but instead am flimsy plastic (sometimes).

Cleansing Consumption

Like removing processed shit from one’s diet, I’m cleaning up my mental and emotional diet.

No more watching documentaries that put me into heavy, negative mindsets. I didn’t even entertain watching the Dahmer Netflix show—shit ain’t going into my consciousness.

No more social media of people desperately begging for attention while masking it through humor or “being relatable.”

No more music with lyrics that convey hurt, fear, and insecurity—masked in the form of “flexing.”

Yet, it’s not like I keep my word… so I will go back on all of these things.

I’ll turn on Future rapping about endless baddies & money, watch the Aaron Hernandez documentary about CTE and murder, and scroll through IG reels to temporarily numb myself…

I’ll keep my ex’s number instead of deleting it like a healthy person, just in case I gotta… check in (get validation that a woman still likes me … and maybe will make seggs with me…)

Don’t be fooled—my life in no way is a series of highs that social media or these writings suggest.

My life is a whole lotta:

• making mistakes (tons)

• going back on my word

• failing

• breaking promises

• breaking up

• running away

• coping unhealthily

• being selfish

• being a liar

• doing “pussy ass shit” 💯

• hurting myself and others

• seeking approval

• breaking down and not being strong…

Mixed in with some good stuff.

Upon spilling this all to a friend, he simply said:

“It’s almost like you’re human.”

The reader, seeing only the highs, reinforces their belief that they’re not doing anything. That they’re in some way fucked up (oddly sounds like the business case behind Instagram).

That, my friend, is the furthest thing from the truth.

We’re all damaged goods—some of us just do a better job hiding it (normally the most fucked of us all).

And if anyone on social media, YouTube, or some growth website like this one suggests otherwise… they’re a lying sack of shit.

Beliee dat…

From one flawed G trying to make somethin happen in life, to another 🤝